m's m&ms

Things I want to say to an ex

And yeah, I only have one ex, so this means you!

YOU ASSHOLE. Haha Kidding. But I guess you kinda were one. And I have to admit, I was, too. We were both too immature back then, probably why we didn’t work out in the end. 

I hated you. So much. For a few years after the break-up (yuck, I can’t believe I’m writing this shit). I know you hated me, too. I was the one who broke it off and you probably think I left you for my buddy and I really don’t care if you still think that. I don’t give a shit. Let me break it down.

I hated you. So much. Because you suffocated me, and stopped me from growing, and forbade me to make friends, and judged everything I did, and didn’t trust me. I know you did that because you were afraid to lose me. I guess that fear was for a good reason. I had every reason to leave. I’ve had them since year two. I know it’s my fault for not doing it earlier. I guess I was just so afraid. I’ve always had you. I thought I needed you. I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you.

But one day, I just woke up and smiled to myself and thought: I don’t fvcking need anyone. I don’t know. I just woke up with that feeling. That I could survive — that I would survive without you or any guy in my life. That I could and I would make it on my own. That boys were assholes who kept you in cages. I wasn’t afraid anymore. And that was it.

I know I broke your heart so bad. And I’m really sorry that we couldn’t feel the same way during the time. But I guess it was for your own good, too. I’d like to think you’re happy with whatever you have and wherever you are now.

And I guess I have you to thank for making me learn to value myself first. This shit made me mature, I think. Made me realize that I had so much potential. I was in the heart of the best university in the country, I had a whole lot of opportunities to grow. I guess just chose it over living in a cage.

I’m happy now — happier than I’ve ever been. And I know I’ll be happier in the future. I’m in love with a boy who doesn’t keep me in a cage. I’ve met hundreds of people, broadened my horizons, got to see the world in a whole new perspective, learned a whole lot, went on adventures, did crazy things, got out of my comfort zone, fell in love with the people and the organization you almost stopped me from getting into.

I guess I really do have you to thank. You made me realize how much I was missing.

P.S.

I know I told you I wasn’t mad anymore — and I’m not. I’m actually very thankful for the shit we had to go through. I know I said we could be friends, but I’m not really interested in being super friends, you know. I don’t want to ‘hang out’ with just you. That person you had a ‘good’ friendship with? That was the kid you put in a cage. You have no idea who I am anymore. I’m sorry if this is mean, but I think I’ve had enough of this shit. 

Bullet my whole day

I will bullet my Monday because it was roller coaster ride! :))

• 6:00  Woke up, took a bath and got ready for the day
• 8:00 Went to SC to print some letters for the GFT. Also grabbed a sandwich because I didn’t want to sit down and eat alone. *sigh*
• 8:30 Went to Eng’g and submitted a letter to the admin. Talked to le guard re venue reservations and shiz.
• 9:00 Went to Math Building. I didn’t know there were still Tokis today so I got on an Ikot Jeep and got down at CS Lib. Walked through Teletubby Land (at least I think that’s what it’s called) and reminisced.HAHA Seriously, though, I haven’t been to Math in forever. I missed this place. :3 
• Submitted a letter to the Admin and went on my way.
• 10:00 Got back to the dorm. Changed clothes. Got my stuff and went to MRT QAve.
• 10:20 Hopped on the MRT.
• 10:45 Got off the MRT at Magallanes Station. Went straight to Jollibee to wait for Jinky. Played Word Search and Yoo Ninja and Panda Run while waiting.
• 12:00 Met up with Jinky at Jollibee - Southgate. Changed outfits (again! Haha) and had lunch.
• 12:45 Taxi ride to #### Main Office for the meeting (I don’t think I’m allowed to reveal the name just yet.haha)
• 13:00 Meeting with the Senior Brand Specialist and the Marketing Operations Specialist.
• 14:00 Sat with Jinky at Teriyaki Boy (or not? Can’t remember the namne, it was a Jap food chain) to discuss stuff and to change back to ‘normal’ clothes.
• 15:15 Got on the MRT again, this time to go meet Rona and Robin in Gateway.
• 15:35 Met up with Robin and Rona. Talked about ###### and some other stuff (haha. I just don’t want to reveal these until we’re a hundred percent sure with it)
• 16:15 Got on LRT (this was such a blessing! I was panicking on how I could get back to UP. MRT Cubao spelled death for people who are North-bound in the afternoon T-T)
• 16:30 Got off LRT Katips with Robin. Got on a UP-Katip Jeep. Started raining !@#$%^ my back got wet because ze people had no common sense and won’t roll down the cover thingy the jeep had. Damnit. I got sick later that day. :(
• 17:00 Arrived at the dorm. 
• Sat on my bed. 
• Mentally planned and mentally packed while I brushed my teeth and washed my face. 
• Rested. :(
• Started packing like crazy and sorting stuff. Went to Philcoa. Got on a jeep to Berkeley Square.
• 19:15 Got to Berkeley Square and bought Darksiders.HA! Also bought shampoo and conditioner because I realized I was running out of it.
• Got on a bus.
• Got off miles away.

END. :D This was a fun and exhausting day.

I love you. I think you know that very well. You just don’t have any idea how much.

I love you, a whole lot. I hope you realize how many mountains I’d move for you. 

I love you, a whole lot. But it hurts a whole lot, too. All the time.

And I guess it’s my nature to love people and get attached despite pain, I just hope you wouldn’t make it so hard for me. For us. :|

I’m not complaining — oh wait, maybe I am. I’m sorry. Sometimes it hurts so bad, y’know. I have to let it out so it doesn’t kill me. But don’t worry, I love you all the same. I just hope you’d learn to love me, too.

A book I love

I first laid hands on this book when I entered high school. I found it in one of the bookshelves at home. I guess I was pretty bored back then because I was going through our bookshelves looking for something to read (something I wish my future kids would still do). 

The Little Prince was just so fascinating to me. It was so innocent; so beautiful in its simplicity. It made the little me think and appreciate a lot of things. Some of my favorite quotations are from this book; and now that I think about it, The Little Prince has affected the way I looked at life.

Trying to explain or summarize it here would do it injustice, so I really, reaaally recommend that you guys read it. It’s just a few hundred pages and the font is huge because it’s a children’s book. :))

And, oh. If you can remember to, read it every year. You’ll be amazed at how the same book can be so different when you read it again. :)

I hope it captures your heart the way it captured mine. ♥

I was on my way home from OJT at Fairview when the bus I was on stopped because two jeeps were blocking the intersection. People were getting out of the jeepney directly in front of our bus. I thought they were moving to another jeepney because of a flat tyre or something. It only occurred to me that something was wrong when I noticed they were running and ducking and some people were screaming. Then I heard gunshots. Lots of them.

Our driver and the people in the front row seats hurried to the back of the bus in fear of getting shot. The two jeepneys in the intersection were now seemed empty. When the shooting ceased, a man holding a gun got out of one of the jeepneys and started running to where our bus was. More people in the bus ran to the back. There were murmurs of panic. “Wag nyong papasukin!” and stuff. The konduktor tried to calm people and told us “Hinding hindi namin yan bubuksan”. It was then that I felt a jolt of fear. What if the man did attempt to get inside the bus we were in and held us hostage or something? I was on the second row of seats. I was scared but I didn’t think of getting up and going to the back, and I still can’t figure out why. Do not fucking try to get in was all I could think of as I was watching the man get closer to where we were. He ran. And ran. And ran. And ran past the bus. People then started yelling “Paandarin na!” and the driver was all “Let me through!” because he was stuck at the mid-part of the bus. 

As we drove past the scene of the crime, I saw two empty jeeps and a police in uniform, crawling on the ground, reaching for his radio. I didn’t notice it myself, but the people beside me on the bus said that the driver was still on the jeep but they were certain that he was already dead.

My eyes started to get teary, not because I was scared, but because I felt so sad for the jeepney driver’s wife and children and family. I’ve always admired people who worked hard to make a living the right way. He was just trying to make money so his family can have something on their dinner table tonight. I was (and still am!) so mad at those people (there were 3 hold-up-ers (idk how they’re supposed to be called)). Because fuck them. There is absolutely no excuse to take away someone’s life. You know why you fucking don’t have money? Because you’re probably too lazy to get your ass to work for some.

Sigh. I am just so mad and so, so sad. Don’t get me started on life and justice and humanity, I could go on and on. All this, days after I posted about the world being made of faith, trust and pixie dust. I didn’t need reminding (thank you very much, universe! >:( ). I know the world isn’t made of just those three. I just wish it wasn’t so cruel. :(

I hope those assholes got caught, and that the policeman made it in time to the hospital. I can only pray for the family who lost a father.

Something I feel strongly about

This one’s hard. There are a lot of things people feel strongly about. :)) But I guess I’ll go for the first thing that comes to mind.

Faith. Trust. And Pixie Dust. 

I know the world is a mean place. Just how much, I have yet to find out, but consensus says it’s a bitch (and, well, that’s not very hard to believe). But I think there is always room for these three things. 

Faith. In humanity, in the universe, in a grand Plan, in destiny, in things that you can’t see or touch or hear. 

Trust. In people, in your instincts, in Him.

And pixie dust. Because you can fly. All of us can.

And know it’s childish and silly, but I know there is a child in every one of us that has always believed in them, and I see no point in hiding that child. These thoughts keep me sane. :) They have kept me from crying. They have helped me get back up. They have helped me go on. They have helped me see the silver lining in all of the clouds in the sky. They have helped me make others smile. They have helped me not judge people. They have helped me be nice to strangers. They might have helped me make someone’s day, or might have helped me save someone’s life. And this list can go on and on and on, and some people still won’t believe me. :)) And I don’t really mind.

The world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust. And a billion other things that can and/or will eventually hurt you. But these three things… these three things can and will help you get through all that. :)